I close my eyes
I do not wish to think of the things behind me
I do not wish to think of the ones before me
I wish…to simply exist
To make my mind as calm as still waters where no ripples dare cascade
To listen and hear nothing
Gotten so accustomed to chaos that my mind interprets stability as a storm brewing and begins to rumble
With noise .. No
Questions
I hear them
Questions…
How? Why? When? Where? Who? Possible?
They're the loudest
They ask me things of which I have no answer to
What do you want to do with your life?
It asked repeatedly one day
Like the sound of a bell constantly ringing
It kept replaying and replaying in my head
I turned the music up to the loudest but the voice got louder
I screamed "Shut up"
It paused
Then kept on ringing in my ears begging for a reply
"I… I want to be me
I exhaustedly and unsurely replied
It quieted
"Who are you, who are you, who are you…..who are you…"
On and on and on it kept repeating the words
Asking me like it didn't live in me and know who exactly I am
Asking as if it'll get any replies other than the obvious
Kept repeating,
Mentally exhausted beyond measure
I couldn't work, I couldn't sleep, couldn't write
I shouted out "silence!!!"
It got louder
I banged my head and pulled my hair till it bled
Banged my fists on the wall
Centering my focus on the pain as my distraction
It didn't stop
Make it stop
Make it stop
Stop, stop !!!!
"I am me"
"I am Theresa"
Struggling, fighting, surviving by the skin of my teeth whilst wearing a mask, I am me
*And?" The voice asked
After all I've said it replies with "And "
What's that supposed to mean" I ask
Now furious for I had not slept a wink for the last 48 hours
"What else are you"
I hesitate not knowing how to answer
There have only been few times in my entire life I have been asked that.
"I am strong"
"I am a force of impact"
The one who will write and rewrite stories of courage of persevere,
Of finally achieving success"
"I'm not the anxious, burnt out writer, who sits at a blank page at 3am and asks what am I doing here"
"I am T-Storm"
"I am the owner of my own mind, I decide who gets in and who stays out, so do not question who I am"
"You're full of flaws" it rebutted
"Even with my flaws I am eternally loved by my God" I replied firmly, now breathing hard as I move between an anxiety attack and firm resolution
"I do not believe the things you say, I can not believe the things you say, they're not true"
Where's the evidence to prove
"The evidence to prove otherwise?"
I…I..I
Stuttered, that what I did —I stuttered
I hadn't been on a stage in months, hadn't comprehend a topic in weeks, solved a code in even more months
I was in shambles
But I refuted
"I may not have much but what and who's in me (God) is far greater than anything you've ever seen"
It continued its taunts that night
Reminded me of every single flaw I have, had or might have
Till in realisation I laughed
Reminded it that it was just a voice, a phantom at best, noise at most
And the only person who mattered was God
As far as he found me good enough and worthy nothing and no one else could make me feel otherwise
Then the voice asked
Shocked by how it had taunted me for the past few days and how I'm suddenly bold
"What keeps you going"
"God".."God's grace"
Then the voice left
Hopefully never to return again
