Content note Mentions depression and suicidal thoughts; focuses on survival and recovery.
That year a voice moved into my head
and paid no rent and told me, every night,
that everyone would be lighter without me.
It was very persuasive. It had my handwriting.
It knew all my passwords.
I want to tell you what kept me here,
because it was never anything grand.
My sister’s dog, who waited at the door
and did not accept I’m tired as an answer.
A song I had not finished hearing.
The second season of a show I had promised a friend we’d watch.
The neighbour’s daughter practising the same four bars of piano,
badly, every evening, refusing to give up on them.
I thought: if she can stay with those four bars,
I can stay with one more night.
The doctor who said, This is an illness, not a verdict,
and wrote it on a card I kept in my wallet for a year.
My friend Rohan, who sat outside my door for three hours
talking about cricket until I opened it.
The number I finally called at four in the morning,
and the stranger’s voice that answered, ordinary and warm,
and stayed on the line until the windows went grey.
It was not one day. It was a hundred small days,
each one barely holding the next, like hands in a chain.
I am two years further on. The voice still visits sometimes.
I know its tricks now. I make it tea and wait it out.
If you are in that year, please — stay for the small things.
Tell someone. Call someone. Let them sit outside your door.
The piano girl plays the whole song now.
I would have missed it. I would have missed all of this.
If you are going through something similarYou don’t have to carry it alone. In India, Tele-MANAS offers free, confidential support, 24 hours a day: call 14416 or 1-800-891-4416. Anywhere else, please reach out to a local helpline or to someone you trust.
